Why setting boundaries is so hard (and what to do about it)
I’ve had appendicitis twice. Both times, I was a first-year ED. The first time, I didn’t have surgery but was in the hospital for three days, on IV antibiotics and unable to eat or drink anything. When I was released, it was thankfully the holidays so I had some space to rest.
The second time, it was mid-January, about a month later. I went right back to the hospital, this time getting an operation to remove the offending organ. Three days later, I was back at it: driving to meetings I felt I couldn’t cancel, feeling terrible and bloated and in pain. It was…terrible.
Some months later, I mentioned the whole situation to my manager, who lived halfway across the country but knew what was going on. “Should I have told you to go home and rest?” he asked. At the time I thought, “YES! Of course.” It seemed like to obvious answer. And yet, over the years, I’ve thought a lot about that moment. Why did I, an at-the-time 35 year-old woman, need this man to give me permission to care for my body? Why didn’t I cancel my meetings to rest and recuperate? What was I so afraid of?
Now years later, I still think about this moment all the time. I’m now a parent, and a follower of Dr Becky, a parenting educator that I have found incredibly helpful in my journey. She recently shared on a podcast that boundaries are something YOU will do - not something you expect someone else to do. Essentially, you can’t make anyone else do anything; you can only follow through on what YOU say you’ll do. Your boundaries belong to you. Yes, my manager should have insisted that I rest, because in an ideal world he would have recognized that we all live in burnout culture, receiving negative messages about rest and toxic messages about our worth. In an ideal world, he would have intuitively known what I needed to hear.
And, because even though he should have, he didn’t - I also needed to see that only I would protect my boundaries at the level needed to be truly take care of myself: my body, my mental health, my creativity and imagination and community.
Almost all of my clients struggle mightily with this kind of boundary setting. Maybe you do, too. Here are a few potential reasons why. Maybe…
You don’t know what your boundaries actually are (this is a key first step!)
Healthy boundary setting was never modeled for you - so you’ve never seen it!
You’re operating a scarcity mindset that says that “no” depletes rather than adds (i.e. FOMO)
You aren’t clear about or don’t know what you want.
You’re keeping yourself small (away from the big ideas, moves, or leaps) by staying stuck in the little things
You’re protecting yourself from your fears, traumas, or even your dreams because they’re scary
The dial is turned down on your inner-knowing and you’re cut off from your intuition.
You’re operating with the brain, disconnected from the body and heart.
You think you have to say yes (or else…)
You’re a product of our individualist and capitalist society and thus equate your value with what you produce, check off your list, or accomplish.
You’re a person of color, a woman, or hold another marginalized identit(ies) and so are more likely to bear the brunt of oppressive systems
You’re operating under the influence of perfectionism.
You’re giving someone else your power.
You’re tired and taking the path of least resistance.
You’re a human. We want to be prosocial and connected, forgetting that overcommitting and burning leads to less connection.
You’re worried to offend/hurt/disappoint someone or cause friction.
These are just some reasons. It’s hard to say no. For most of us, it’s a muscle we never learned to build, and the barriers are steep. I’m still building this muscle, along with pretty much every single one of my clients.
So what can we do about it?
There are lots of different kinds of boundaries - but these specifically are about protecting your time and energy, specifically in the context of work. No one else will do that for you - and in fact, I find that a lot of times, clients haven’t been clear at all with others about the way that their energy is being drained. Others simply don’t know what boundaries you have if you don’t share them. So — knowing what they are, and sharing them - is the first step. After that, it’s about holding them.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but rather a list of ideas to get you started. You can start with the systems (and most folks do!), but until you change the way you relate to boundary setting internally, it will never quite stick and you’ll find yourself asking, “Why don’t people respect my work blocks?” Or “Why did I say yes to that thing I really didn’t want to do?” In those moments, get curious about what happened, and dig in. That’s the work. I’m still doing it myself. And if you need help - let me know. We can be in it together.
Individually
Work (maybe with a coach!) to dismantle the part of you that believes in doing over being; consider where that notion might come from and how it has its grasp on you.
Practice being and not just doing. Reward yourself for being present, for resting, for pausing.
Consider what feelings or emotions come up for you when you say no or set a boundary. Sit with them.
Notice what feelings or emotions come up when you betray a boundary. Sit with them.
Know and internalize the priorities that matter most (so everything else can wait).
Be aware of what makes it hard for you personally to set boundaries (because it’s slightly different for everyone).
Draw up an ideal week as a template to understand what your boundaries are and protect your best thinking time, family time, friend time, thinking time, focus time, etc.
Fully be out of office when you say you’re going to be.
Interpersonally:
Let people know that how you plan to spend your time is changing and what to expect.
Ask for an agenda or explanation when someone drops a meeting on you.
Ask people to send you the 1-2 most important questions prior to the meeting.
Decline a meeting!
Reflect back what you heard and STILL hold your boundary.
Reflect back with empathy and STILL hold your boundary.
Systemically:
Determine the ebb and flow of your week or month (when are you able to take meetings, and when are you not).
Set up an auto response to let people know when you’re not available and when you plan to get back to them.
Use Calendly (that’s what I do!) to gate-keep your availability; it’s very set-it-and-forget-it, which is awesome.
Get an EA who will hold your time for you!
Hold office hours 1x a week and ask ppl to book 15 minute slots for quick questions
Ask people to send you voice memos with their most important Qs
Timebox email checking: set a work block 2x a day to check emails and then the rest of the time - focus elsewhere.
Schedule deep work; snooze notifications when you’re doing deep/focused work on a project
Set an away message when you’re deep in a project or on a deadline and need extra leeway
Culturally:
Demonstrate and model rest: Make it a cultural expectation to be away from the office when you say you’ll be and model rest for the team.
Demonstrate and model prioritizing: Do less. Do less better! Make it an expectation that people in your organization will know their priorities and stick to them — adjusting if necessary, but only when making necessary trade-offs (vs. taking on more and more and more).
Make it an expectation that work blocks are not fungible — when you see a workblock on someone’s calendar, that actually means they’re working and are intentionally protecting that time.
Declare an org-wide no meeting day, weekly or biweekly or monthly.
Create and culture where it’s ok to say “no”; or, where it’s celebrated!
Organizationally, really looks at this issue of boundaries from a DEI lens and consider how people of color or other marginalized people might be disproportionately impacted a culture that doesn’t respect or encourage boundaries.
Especially if you’re a white leader but also if you’re any leader with positional power, hold yourselves and others in power accountable to dismantling structures that place value on burnout and judgement on rest.
Perspectives or ideas on what to add? Have you tried any of these? You don’t have to do it alone - drop me a line and let me know what you think - and what you need.
