Keeping emotions “out of it” doesn’t work. Try this instead.
One of the team’s I’ve been coaching recently reached out asking for a training session. In their request, team members asked: “How can we handle conflict and share feedback while keeping emotions out of it?” What was unsaid: “I’m uncomfortable with the my own strong emotions and those of my colleagues, and I don’t know what to do with them. Strong leaders don’t show their emotions and especially don’t let them impact other people.”
To that, my friends, I say: The only way out is through. We simply can’t be in productive tension with other humans (hello, leadership!) without processing with the emotions that create that tension - in fact, our capacity to feel a full spectrum of emotion is what makes us human and what ties us to others. Our emotions don’t have to be an annoying barrier to get past; instead, they can be breadcrumbs on the path to deeper connection with ourselves and others.
The most successful leaders I’ve known and coached see emotions as a necessary part of knowing themselves and being in relationship with others, and see emotional agility as critical to navigating healthy conflict. Excellent leaders explore their emotions intentionally and communicate them responsibly.
And - I get it. The truth is that I’ve spent thousands of hours wishing my feelings would just go away. Throughout my life, I’ve received constant messages that my feelings were too intense or too emotional (which is weird, by the way. Is water too wet? I think not!)
As a child and young adult, without a safe space to process my inner emotional landscape, I usually experienced feelings in one of two ways: They flooded my system and then spilled over onto others in my path, or they got locked up and stuck inside my mind and my body to fester. With nowhere for them to go, I became my emotions, and embodied them at a great personal cost. As a college student, this (sometimes) led to disconnection and self-destructive behavior. As a professional, this (sometimes) led to insensitivity and anxiety. As a leader, I absorbed and perpetuated the story that leaders subjugate their feelings in order to remain stoic, collected, and even-keeled at all times. When my emotions did boil over, it sometimes had significant consequences for those in my path.
With a lot of time, support and practice, I learned that I can feel my feelings and also that I am not my feelings. I can get curious about and sit with even the most uncomfortable emotions, and see them as information and clues to a puzzle instead of reality. With this separation, I can communicate my emotional experience with intention and without blame or victimhood. I can get better insight into my needs and how to meet them. And - actually feeling my challenging feelings has meant that I get to feel the more pleasant ones more deeply too - an invaluable reward.
This practice has made me a more resilient parent, a more empathetic friend, a more present partner, and a more grounded, compassionate, whole person. I don’t get the feedback anymore that my feelings are too much; instead, I get feedback that I’m an an extraordinarily empathetic, human-oriented, deep listener with the capacity to hold complexity and tension. This access and insight I have to my feelings with curiosity - even the most deep, complicated, dynamic, and sometimes even dark ones - is my superpower.
It might be yours too, in fact. Keep emotions in it and see what happens.
