Who would you be if you were enough?
Someone recently asked me this question, and I’ll admit - it had me shook.
To be fair, pretty much all our systems thrive by convincing us we’re not enough, and most of us simply accept it - consciously or otherwise - as truth Especially for women, and even more so for folx who hold additional marginalized identities. In the absence of enoughness there is scarcity. And so, I’ve woken up every day trying to hustle, to be enough. To do more. To be better. To never disappoint anyone, anywhere, ever. Like I’ve told you before, I’m working on it and so are pretty much all of my clients.
For as much work as my clients and I are doing on enoughness, I (we) have had some persistent questions:
If enoughness is not present for most of us, what is in fact present? An important answer, I have come to believe, is scarcity: The pervasive mindset of not having - or being - enough. Oppression thrives on scarcity in that it creates a zero-sum game, wherein there’s not enough of something to go around - if someone else has it (or is it), that must mean that you don’t (or are not it). Oppression loves to stack, create hierarchies, and create a scenario in which only some can “win”.
What would take up space in my brain if I really believed - and lived like - I am enough? What would I notice, and what would I let in? What would truly banish - or crowd out - scarcity? Here’s what I, after talking to mentors and friends and colleagues and teachers, am playing with:
I. Presence. Feeling not enough leads the mind to generate a million thoughts a minute on how to “fix” an apparent deficit. It takes you out of the moment of what is into thinking about all things that aren’t. It’s scarcity thinking. It’s deficit-based thinking. It’s the opposite of presence.
II. Abundance. Sometimes, seeing my son play joyfully with my husband doesn’t feel joyful to me because I get sucked into a thought-loop about how “I wish I were better at play,” or, “My husband’s energy is just so much more abundant than mine.” Instead of going there, if I believed I were enough, I might instead find joy in the silly abandon with which they entertain each other. I’d find gratitude for their sweet relationship. I’ll find abundance in centering what I have - which is so much - and what it means to me.
III. Creativity. Creativity requires presence - but it also requires the ability to suspend feelings of judgement and comparison, even if just for a little while - if we’re going to allow ourselves to muse on ideas, propagate new ones, or create something into existence for no reason other than just to do it. Furthermore, the ultimate act of enoughness is putting our creative work out into the world, no matter who sees or approves of it.
IV. Self-Care. As someone who spent years overdoing stuff and depleting myself to please others, my own self-care and self-tending often has taken a backseat. Being enough means being ok with disappointing others in order to care for ourselves (heyyy, boundaries!) because we know that, even in those moments of disappointment, we’ll still be loved, held, and whole.
V. Connection. Being in deep connection and relationship with someone means being vulnerable, open to loss or heartbreak. To do connection well - and be in right relationship with others - we need to see ourselves as whole first. The connection we can access from that place is so much more pure - more real - than when it comes from a place of need.
VI. Growth. Growing and evolving requires a lot of vulnerability - and the fundamental belief that, despite your flaws, you are worthy and valuable and malleable, if you want to be.
So: The next time you feel the shame or the anxiety or the depletion of scarcity, I dare you to ask yourself - “who would I be in this moment if I were enough?” and see what comes up. It might be enough.
