Less happy…more whole
When I started my role as an executive director, one of the things I believed I wanted most was to have a happy team, and I assume this to be key to success. I envisioned us together in some meeting or retreat, smiling, slapping each other high-fives, giving shout outs, and always 100% positive. We’d be known for our optimism and can-do attitudes, and we’d rarely be critical. Ironically, I don't even consider myself someone who’s particularly happy all the time - at least not traditionally. While I cultivate deep joy, I’m fundamentally a seeker who’s sensitive to and curious about shadows, and a deep feeler who easily absorbs others’ emotions. And while they don’t always make me outwardly happy, these traits make me someone who connects deeply with others, is an excellent critical thinker, and can understand a variety of perspectives. It also makes me human.
But still, somehow, I’d absorbed models of leadership built on patriarchy and whiteness that said a truly successful leader would lead to an outwardly happy team. That presupposition, as sneaky as it was, would make leading really hard - because shit is messy and hard and work, especially social justice work in today’s world, is never simple. It would also make the work of leading feel pressurized and full of land-mines. Any little thing that might trigger “unwanted” emotions from others seemed off limits to talk about, because it would distract from the presupposed happiness. I sometimes pretzeled myself into unruly shapes to try to convey only the good, and to bypass conflict, criticism, or dissent. I tried to spin every challenge into an opportunity. And the thing is - it didn’t even work. Even though I was hitting targets, truthfully I often felt like a failure as a leader during those first challenging meetings, and I felt the dissonance between who I was at my core - a complex human who felt all the things - and the always-smiling cheerleader I thought I had to be. One thing I know to be very true - it’s nearly impossible to lead from an inauthentic place, and I’d been ignoring huge swaths of myself in the pursuit of team “happiness”.
Sound familiar?
Here are some things that white supremacy teaches us that I had to unlearn: Successful teams are only happy, all the time. It is my job to make people happy. Happiness looks like constant positivity, conflict avoidance, and I have power over others emotions. You can see where I had to untangle my vision of executive leadership with paternalistic notions of power, right?
Instead of “happy”, people need to feel whole. That means they need to feel like all their emotions and experiences are part of the ride, and are valid. And while we all owe each other awareness and care when it comes to how our emotions impact others, it’s also true that we don’t pick and choose what we feel the way we pick our produce at the grocery store - it all ends up in your basket, whether you want it or not. Accepting emotional ups and downs as part of the process of doing complex and challenging work every day, of making difficult decisions, and being a full human with a life outside of work, means that everyone is allowed. Folks can show up authentically as themselves. Creating space for conflict and dissent means that ideas and strategies become stronger, everyone is held accountable, and everyone feels safer.
Instead of unsuccessfully pushing happiness, cultivate wholeness. You might:
Provide opportunities for clearing or curiosity during team meetings or check-ins, holding space for your team’s sometimes strong emotions
Offer monthly skip-step meetings with your direct reports’ direct reports, with no agenda except to listen and validate - and understand what’s going on in folks’ lives (to the extent they want to share)
Be transparent and candid when something is hard. Of course share all the good, and also share the not-as-good, and then talk about all of it. After sharing challenging or potentially thought-provoking news or information, hold intentional space to get reactions
Share your own sometimes challenging emotions or reactions; let the team know when something was challenging, or when you’re grappling with something
Make validating emotional experiences and sharing personal experiences (and their impact at work) part of your culture
If something isn’t feeling right in a meeting or in a check-in, pause - don’t bypass the emotion or the experience. Ask, “I’m sensing something is coming up for you. Am I right? Are you open to sharing?” or, “My intuition tells me that you are feeling _____. Am I right about that?”
Explore and interrogate how your identity or positional power might silence voices that are offering critical perspectives, dissent, or pushback. Do the personal work necessary to be able to hold real and safe space, particularly for staff with marginalized identities, to share what's coming up for them.
Leading in this way meant that my team got to be whole, but it also meant that I got to be whole. I stopped feeling anxious before team meetings. I stopped feeling triggered by intense reactions or by frustrations. I was a more authentic version of myself, a more equitable leader, and, maybe ironically - a happier, more joyful human.
A huge thank you to my most recent team for being teachers, space holders, and holding me accountable in all of this learning.
